Words Of Wisdom

Storytelling is an art that preceded that of the written word. Generation after generation has benefited from the wisdom and experiences of their elders.

My family is no different. We enjoy sharing stories and passing our knowledge on to the young. Our experiences, however, are less like words of wisdom and more like some episode you may have seen on the MTV series Jackass.

Nevertheless, when gathered with some good friends following a recent family wedding, we decided that our words of advice could benefit future generations. At the very least, they will lead far less embarrassing lives than their ancestors.

So, in an effort to preserve our family wisdom for posterity, I give you these sage words:

Don't fry bacon naked.

Don't put dishwashing liquid in a dishwasher unless you want a room full of suds.

Make sure you put your car in park when stopping at a drive-thru.

Even if an approaching train is going only five miles per hour, do not cross the tracks in front of it. In spite of what you might think, the train engineer is not waving you across the tracks.

Never clean a coffeemaker by running bleach through it.

Don't clean a fiberglass tub with steel wool.

Do not iron clothes while they are still on your body.

Never get drunk and dance with priests (don't ask).

Do not melt Limburger cheese in a microwave.

Leave bikini waxes to the professionals.

Don't put apple pies on the floor to cool unless you want them decorated with footprints.

Never test a staple gun on your fingers.

Hopefully, our experiences will have a lasting effect on the lives and well-being of future generations. After all, no one wants to go down that great highway of life with their dress tucked up inside their pantyhose. It almost caused an accident.