It's Election Time! Praise the Lord and Pass the Antacids

It is finally election day! By tomorrow at this time, we will know the results of one of the most interesting elections in a long time.

We will also be able to watch television, listen to the radio and open our mail without being bombarded with political statements. I have not been able to do any of these in months without feeling like I need to down a bunch of Tums and go outside to dig a fallout shelter from the chaos that will ensue if the wrong person is elected to the water commission.

Frankly, I don't know what I will do when I can finally answer my phone again. We have been screening calls for weeks to avoid all the pitches and automated phone messages from candidates, unions and political parties. My daily mail delivery will probably be cut in half without all of the political flyers. Do candidates really believe the the best way to reach voters is to kill trees and annoy people at dinnertime?

It seems some people have really gone over the edge with this election. I heard on the news that a woman handing out Halloween candy refused to give any to children whose parents were Barack Obama supporters. She claims she finds Obama "scary."

What I find frightening is a person who would take an enjoyable children's holiday and turn it into a political statement. What is most bizarre is that she aimed it at those who are not old enough to vote, yet alone understand all that is happening.

I am also perplexed by the consumer products out there in honor of the election. I was watching the Today show, and they showcased at least 25 products emblazoned with the images of the presidential candidates and their running mates. There are actually two cereals called "Obama-Os" and "Captain McCain." What I want to know is, would anyone actually eat these cereals and what is the daily fiber allowance in the Captain McCain?

They actually had Cabbage Patch Dolls for each of the candidates. If you are buying one of these for your child, you should also purchase gift certificates for the therapy sessions they will need as adults. I can see kids in 20 years telling their therapists, "I know my parents never loved me. Do you know what they got me for Christmas when I was eight? A Joe Biden doll!"

In the meantime, I will be investing in therapy sessions this Christmas for all my friends and family members who insist the country will turn to communism if Obama is elected. I will also give them to the ones building bomb shelters for the nuclear attack that will ensue after President McCain bombs the daylights out of Iran and North Korea.

Happy Election Day, everyone!

And, just think, we get to do this all over again in four years!